Severing family ties with ones divorced parents family
Q. My mother who is divorced is not happy with me meeting my father’s sisters and his other relatives. At first she refused to let me meet them, then she left the decision on me. I know she won’t be too happy if I meet them. In this case, am I supposed to maintain my relations with my blood relatives, or listen to my mom’s wish?
A. Shariah has emphasized on maintaining family ties. Consider the following:
وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءَلُونَ بِه وَالْأَرْحَامَ ِ
Fear Allah in whom (in whose name) you ask (for things and take promises) from each other and (fear breaking) family ties (live amicably). (Nisaa: 4 – 1)
عن أَبي هريرة رضي الله عنه: أن رَسُول الله -صلى الله عليه وسلم – قَالَ: «مَنْ كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ باللهِ وَاليَومِ الآخِرِ، فَلْيُكْرِمْ ضَيْفَهُ، وَمَنْ كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ باللهِ وَاليَومِ الآخِرِ، فَلْيَصِلْ رَحِمَهُ، وَمَنْ كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللهِ وَاليَومِ الآخِرِ، فَلْيَقُلْ خَيْرًا أَوْ لِيَصْمُتْ»
It is reported on the authority of Abu Huraira Radiallahu Anhu that Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: “He who believes in Allah and the last day should honor his guest; and he who believes in Allah and the last day should maintain good family ties; and he who believes in Allah and the last day should utter something good or observe silence. (Bukhari, 6138, book of etiquettes, chapter on honoring ones guests and personally attending to his needs)
عن أنسٍ – رضي الله عنه: أن رَسُول الله – صلى الله عليه وسلم – قَالَ: «من أَحَبَّ أَنْ يُبْسَطَ لَهُ في رِزْقِهِ، ويُنْسأَ لَهُ في أثَرِهِ، فَلْيَصِلْ رَحِمَهُ».
It is also reported on the authority of Anas Radiallahu Anhu that Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: “He who desires abundance in his sustenance and his life prolonged should maintain good family ties.”( Bukhari, 5986, book of etiquettes, chapter on increase in sustenance for he who maintains family ties)
Shariah also emphasizes on the rights of both parents; the father and mother. Consider the following:
وَقَضَىرَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِنْدَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْكِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُلْ لَهُمَا أُفٍّ وَلَا تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُلْ لَهُمَا قَوْلًا كَرِيمًا ِ وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا ِ
Your Rabb has commanded that you worship only him and that you treat your parents kindly. If any one of the two (of your parents), or both of them reaches old age, then do not even tell them ‘Oof!’(Or anything else that may cause them hurt) and do not rebuke them (even though they may be at fault). (Always) Speak gently to them. (Never raise your voice when speaking to them, speak with respect and never speak to them harshly.) Lower for them the wings of humility (always be humble and soft hearted towards them) out of compassion and say, “O my Rabb! Show mercy to them (my parents) as they had (been merciful towards me when they) raised me when I was young.” ( Bani Israeel: 23-24)
عن أَبي عبد الرحمان عبد الله بن مسعود – رضي الله عنه – قَالَ: سألت النبي – صلى الله عليه وسلم: أيُّ العَمَلِ أحَبُّ إِلَى اللهِ تَعَالَى؟ قَالَ: «الصَّلاةُ عَلَى وَقْتِهَا»، قُلْتُ: ثُمَّ أي؟ قَالَ: «بِرُّ الوَالِدَيْنِ»، قُلْتُ: ثُمَّ أيٌّ؟ قَالَ: «الجِهَادُ في سبيلِ الله»
It is reported on the authority of Abu Abdur Rahmaan Abdullah Ibn Mas’ood Radiallahu Anhu who said, I asked Nabi Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam: “Which is the most beloved action to Allah?” He said: “The performance of salaah on its time”. I then said: “Which is the most beloved action to Allah afterwards?” He said: “Maintaining good family relations with one’s parents”. I then said: “Which is the most beloved action to Allah afterwards?” He said: “Jihaad in the path of Allah.” ( Bukhari, 527, book on the times of salaah, chapter on the virtue of performing salaah on its time)
عن أَبي هريرة – رضي الله عنه – قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُول الله – صلى الله عليه وسلم: «لاَ يَجْزِي وَلَدٌ وَالِدًا إِلاَّ أَنْ يَجِدَهُ مَمْلُوكًا، فَيَشْتَرِيهُ فَيُعْتِقَهُ».
It is also reported on the authority of Abu Huraira Radiallahu Anhu who said: Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: “A child cannot compensate his parent unless he finds him to be a slave, buys him and then frees him.” (Muslim, 1510, book on freeing slaves, chapter on the virtues of freeing ones parents)
Your mother’s displeasure with your father and his family is understandable especially in the context of divorce. You should explain to your mother your sympathy for her but you wish to do the right thing. If something is wrong in the court of Allah then it cannot be justified in any way. Consider the following:
عَنِ الْحَسَنِ، قَالَ: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ: لَا طَاعَةَ لِمَخْلُوقٍ فِي مَعْصِيَةِ الْخَالِقِ
It is reported from Hasan Radiallahu Anhu that Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: “There is no obedience in following the creation whilst the creator is disobeyed.” (Musannaf Ibne Abi Shaiba, 33717, book on slaves, chapter on following a leader who commands that which is wrong)
However, you should be wise and diplomatic in discussing the issue with your mother.
Allah Ta’ala Knows Best
Mufti Ismaeel Bassa
themufti.com